Take A Look In The Mirror

           One of the hardest things to face in life is the consequences of our choices. Often times we point the finger in all different directions trying to place blame on others for how our life has turned out.  She made me feel this way. He talked me into doing that thing. My parents didn’t raise me right. My boss won’t allow me to do this. My peers will judge me for that.
           We can make excuses all day for why we are where we are, but the truth is our lives are what we have made them to be by each individual choice we make for ourselves.
           It doesn’t matter what you came from. It doesn’t matter if your parent’s were alcoholics, neglectful, abusive, drug addicts, or just weren’t there. It doesn’t matter if you were born into poverty or had everything handed to you on a silver platter. It still all goes back to YOU.

           I know what you’re thinking… “That’s easy for YOU to say.” Well, I would say that someone like me, who’s parents weren’t any of those things and showed me love and how to be a responsible independent person, is much more likely to make the right choices in life because I had a positive example,  but they were still MY CHOICES to make. There are plenty of kids whose parents were absent or abusive or drug addicts who decided they never wanted to be like their parents, and although I guarantee they carried baggage with them on into adulthood, their actual actions were positive ones to make sure they never lived a life like their previous generation.           My mom is a prime example. She isn’t perfect and please don’t think I have her up on some pedestal because I know my mom is human and has her own personal baggage that she deals with. I don’t agree with everything my mom has done in her life, but I have a great deal of respect for her because despite the crap childhood that was handed to her by my grandparents, she made the choice to stand apart from them. She could have taken her anger and bitterness and hurt and put it on other people, but she didn’t. She could have continued the dysfunctional cycle and married a man that was much like her abusive alcoholic father (which is what a lot of women do), but she didn’t. When the baggage she carried started affecting her new marriage and she fought all the time with my dad about all kinds of serious issues, she could have chosen to give up and divorce him, or at the very least medicate herself on antidepressants, but she didn’t do either of those things.
           She chose to marry a man with good character who loved and cherished her. She chose to fight things out with him and go to counseling until the issues were resolved. They both chose to wait to have kids until after those marital issues were resolved. Then when she had kids, she vowed she would never ever treat them the way she was treated. She swore she would never make her kids feel the way she felt as a child. She promised she would never allow anyone to hurt us the way her mother allowed others to hurt her. She loved me and my sister and always put us first. She was affectionate with us and protected us (which are things she never experienced) and when we got older she became our friend. She mentored us and taught us discipline and never ever made us feel like her love and acceptance was dependent upon our performance. SHE BROKE THE CYCLE.
           No one made her do it and it certainly wasn’t easy for her. In fact, before my dad came along, she didn’t have any encouragement from anyone. It strictly came from her own will inside to be a better person because she knew it’s what was right and knew that what she did in the present  was going to have a consequence sometime down the road.
           And I think that is the big problem with so many people. They don’t make choices just because they are the right thing for the future. They are too concerned with how something makes them feel NOW.  Many people don’t ever look ahead and ask themselves “How will this affect me and others later?” And of those that do, many just simply don’t care about the future consequences. They figure they will cross that bridge when they get there, but then when they get there, they want to bitch and moan and blame others for their life being difficult.
           Life IS difficult. It’s difficult to do what you know is best when people around you are pressuring you into doing something else. It’s a lot of hard work to make a marriage work instead of walking away. Heck it’s hard to make ANY deep relationship work, and most people are just too lazy or selfish to give a damn about putting in the time and energy.
           I remember an exchange of comments that was said in almost every fight Sean and I had when we first got married. It went like this:
           Sean: “Will you get off my back about it?! Stop nagging me!”
           Me: “I will stop nagging when you start doing! I am so unhappy with the way this marriage is going!”
          Sean: “Well, you knew I was this way to begin with! Nobody forced you to marry me!”
          Me: “You’re right! But here we are now and I’m not settling for THIS, so you’re either going to work at it and show me some improvement, or I’m out of here! I may have made one foolish choice, but I will not make another one by sticking around!”
           That was followed by more yelling and saying some things we regretted later, but when all was said and done he believed I was serious. He knew as much as I loved him, I loved myself too and wanted to be happy. He worked to better himself, and he did just that. In the meantime, I was working on myself too. Not because anyone said I needed too or pointed out my faults, but because I recognized on my own where I was lacking and wanted to be better for myself, my husband, and my kids.
           The point is, I could have continued to put all the blame on Sean for our problems, but the fact is, he was right… nobody made me marry him. I did know he was kind of lazy and irresponsible and very selfish, but I married him anyway. I could have at least waited to see if we could work out our differences before the nuptials, but I didn’t. I just really believed that he had a good heart and I could help him be better. Turned out I was right, but I could have just as easily been wrong.
           Once I realized we married too early, there was nothing to be done except to work really hard to create the marriage I wanted and knew we both deserved. I had enough self worth that I was willing to leave him if absolutely necessary, but deep down inside I knew that would never happen because I really believed he was a good man and loved me enough to change for me. I had faith that everything would get better if I just kept expecting it to, and that it did.
           Even today, as I think about all the aspects of my life over just the last couple of years that I didn’t like, I know that those things only occurred because of mine or Sean’s decisions. We didn’t always know what the best choice was but we made choices that we THOUGHT were the best, and when we didn’t like the outcome, we learned to not ever make the same choices again. Then we had to go about figuring out how to undo what we caused or at least remedy the situation. I have learned that at least when you have good intentions, you’re able to remedy things easier. I guess that’s just karma.
           Consequences are not just from actions, however. There are also consequences to attitudes and ways of thinking. How many times have we heard this or said this ourselves?... “Well I wouldn’t be so ______ if you didn’t make me feel that way.”
           You’re probably not going to like hearing this, but NO ONE can make you feel anything. We are so conditioned by society that tells us that our thoughts and emotions are on autopilot and we aren’t responsible for what goes on in our minds. That is bull. YOU and you alone are in control of your thoughts and emotions. Now it may not be easy if you have made a habit of getting hurt or pissed off by a certain person, but you CAN completely transform how you react to people. When a person says something hurtful, you can actually DECIDE to not get hurt by it. No one can hurt you without you allowing them too! If you feel secure and love yourself and know that what they say is false, then why should it hurt you?
            But then, see, that’s the problem isn’t it? Most of the time when someone says something that hurts us, it’s usually because we know or feel it is true.
           Just yesterday someone called me a horrible judgmental bitch to Sean just to get a rise out of him. Those were the words verbatim. Now I could have gotten pissed off and retaliated and said some pretty harsh stuff that would have all been true to that person, but why? What would it accomplish? I truly don’t care that they called me that and it didn’t hurt my feelings or piss me off at all because I have no fear of it being true. I know who I am. I know how I treat people. I know the truth and I can search myself and find a clean conscience. I know I’m not perfect, but I know if I have ever done someone wrong, it wasn’t intentional, and I have made my wrongs right by making apologies or what have you, so I’m really not worried about it.
           So the next time someone says something that hurts you, try asking yourself WHY do you feel hurt? Is it hurt or is it actually anger, and if so, why? Is what they said true? Is there anything you have done that could make you seem the way they describe you? Do you have anything you need to apologize for? Or do you feel hurt because your self-esteem is low and you’re letting someone else define your worth? If that’s the case, remember that YOU decide who you are.
           And here’s another great example that just occurred between my son and daughter.  I’m adding this in here after this post was already written because I think it’s such a great example of childish blame game but it’s exactly what adults do on a regular basis. My daughter was walking through the living room and stepped on a small pointy shell and started crying. Before I could even see if it drew blood, she immediately pointed to my son and cried, “It’s his fault! He threw the shell on the floor!” Once I saw her foot was fine, I told her it was not his fault that she wasn’t watching where she was walking. I gently reminded him that we do not leave things on the floor. My daughter was upset that I didn’t scold or discipline him because as far as she was concerned she was in pain so it’s only fair that her brother be unhappy too. After the pain subsided, she was still frowning, so I reminded her that if she let that one incident decide her mood, then the whole rest of her day was going to be terrible. She quickly put a smile on and forgot about her foot. She and her brother are now playing like nothing happened.
           Isn’t this what we see in everyday life between grown people though?!  Something bad happens and rather than taking a step back to see what WE could have done to prevent what happened, we immediately blame someone else. And then often times we get pissed off when they don’t suffer some type of consequence as well because misery doesn’t just love company, it demands it!  And rather than brushing off what happened, we let one incident give us a rotten attitude and then the whole day seems to spiral downward. One screw up begats another screw up begats another. Then before ya know it the whole day has been terrible and then we blame our unhappiness on the day's events when really it's the other way around. The day went to crap because of OUR attitude from the first incident! Adults are just as immature as small children in these types of affairs and we wonder why our world is in so much chaos?
           RESPONSIBLILITY. This is what so many people have yet to learn. Their life is rough and getting worse and it’s because they won’t claim the reigns of their own life. They won’t admit that the life they live is the sum of all their choices. They shout to the wind, “God, show me what to do!” but they refuse to use their own brain and logic and will power to create the life they want by making wise choices and thinking things through. Satan isn’t to blame. Other people aren’t to blame. There is only YOU and what YOU decide.
           Life is hard. That’s just a fact. And you can either sit around waiting for God to just miraculously make it better, or you can use your actions and attitude to turn it around. If you got yourself there, then you can take yourself somewhere else. And if you aren’t willing to work yourself hard to do it, well don’t get angry when your life isn’t what you want it to be. And do not blame others for it not being better when you weren’t willing to do what it took to make it better. Don’t resent people like me who have a happy fulfilling life because I worked my butt off to get what I have and continue to work at it every single day. I am willing to do what it takes (within the realms of what is right) to have what I desire. Are you? You'll find the answers when you look in the mirror.