Now I use wisdom when it comes to this. It depends on the person and circumstances whether I decide to call a person out on their fake front. For the most part I just let life deal with those people. The universe will teach people a lesson with or without my hand, and usually the way people learn lessons the best is when they get knocked on their rear end by karma.
So if this is such a big deal to me, then shouldn't I apply this principal to my own character? Of course I should, and I do. But I know there are things about me that I don't let others see as well. There is a good reason for that because I know how people misjudge others. People are very quick to judge the whole person by one event or character flaw, and that's not right either. We must consider the whole person and understand that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, and we all require a little grace and tolerance at times. What matters is how you learn from your mistakes and set things right with others.
I don't ever pretend to be something I am not, but I do keep some information about me undisclosed. I don't feel that it is wrong or flaky for me to do that because my motive is pure. In some cases, that phrase "what people don't know can't hurt them" is actually very true. If you know that sharing a piece of information will do nothing but cause problems and has no beneficial outcome at all, then you SHOULD keep that information to yourself. That is what I have chosen to do with certain information about myself. It isn't lying, it's just keeping some truth hidden. I realize that ignorance is bliss most of the time and I don't wish to steel that bliss from anyone. I despise unnecessary drama.
It wasn't until just recently that I started thinking maybe I should share some more of who I am and who I was with others. I am constantly walking around day to day contemplating my life and life in general. I thought maybe if I share some of my personal weaknesses and weirdness with others, others out there who have dealt with or are currently dealing with the same issues will know they aren't alone and will understand they aren't scum of the earth just because they have messed up. I want others who have experienced what I have experienced and are too afraid to tell anyone to know that they can understand and forgive themselves and move on.
I am about to do something that is very difficult for me, and I know I will struggle with the decision to post it before I actually do, but I know I will because, as scary as it is to make myself so vulnerable, I want to do it. I feel like it will help lighten my burden as well as help others deal with their own issues better.
The way my brain works is a very complicated thing to explain. You would never understand unless you were just in my head. I don't even fully understand myself either, and that's why my life is an ongoing journey of self discovery. I want to fully know and understand who I was and why I did things. I realize that who I am now is who I have willingly created by the power of my thoughts and attitudes, but there is still a lot left to learn. There is still much more growth to occur.
Before Sean and I finally came to a point in our relationship where we were hardly ever fighting (about 2 1/2 years ago) and had pretty much worked out all the kinks in our marriage, things were bad. There was still plenty of good, but the bad was so bad when it would happen that it shadowed the good a lot of times. We were both to blame for many of our problems and fights, but I am not going to talk about that. I am strictly going to tell you the things that I know I am responsible for; MY actions and choices.
The amount of anger, resentment and bitterness I had built up in me by the end of our first year of marriage was so immense that when we fought, it got ugly. I learned how to have a temper by my daddy, who always told me to never be like him. But I wanted to be like him because he was and is an amazing man of character. He just happened to have a temper when he worked on vehicles or anything else in and around the house. How I wish I would have actually gotten my daddy's temper because what I developed was far worse than what I ever saw him do. At least most of the time my daddy's temper only affected him because he rarely took out his frustrations on us. We may have gotten snapped at a few times, but most of the time we just watched at a distance while he threw tools across the yard and slammed doors. As we got older, we actually began to find it quite comical. Me, on the other hand... what I did... was NOT comical in the least. It was scary and it affected anyone who was around me.
Before Ava was born, Sean and I fought daily. They always resulted in us yelling and screaming. Sometimes the fight would blow over and we would make up within an hour. Other days we would fight all evening. We averaged one fight a week where I would just turn into a psychotic freak. Our fights were usually about his mom. If it wasn't initially about his mom it somehow always turned into a fight about his mom, and I was always so fearful that he loved her and cared about what she wanted more than me. I got desperate at time and did things to manipulate him.
This isn't easy for me to write about. Bringing up those past memories makes me get teary eyed because I was in so much emotional pain and realize now how much I hurt the man I love the most. But here goes nothing... I would hurt myself. I don't mean like cutting myself with razor blades or anything. I mean I would literally hit myself, smash my head into something repeatedly to knock myself out, scratch myself or bite myself. Sounds nuts doesn't it? That's because it was.
I would destroy things around me. Then when I was ready to walk out the door and leave without Sean knowing where I was going, he would keep me there against my will and I would turn on him. Sean has endured everything from being slapped and punched in the face, bitten, kicked, and even had things like pots and chairs thrown at him. He was terrified of me, but most of all he was terrified of losing me.
He went to bed some nights crying because he never knew when the next fight was that would set me off. Some of you who know me personally from high school may remember the bad car accident I was in my junior year that kept me in the hospital for a week. I seemed to be miraculously healed from that. The doctors didn't know what to think, but after that bad head injury, the doc said it was imperative that I not have anymore head trauma. He said that after the injury I sustained, there was no telling when another head injury could cause permanent brain damage or memory loss. Sean knew this, and there I was beating my head against the wall as hard as I could. He got to the point where he would literally pin me to the floor and put me in a choke hold until I passed out just to get me to stop being so destructive. You can imagine how terrifying this was for him since I was carrying our first born. He wanted to protect our baby girl too, but he could only do so much since I was the one carrying her. He developed such deep resentment toward me for putting myself and our baby in harms way like that, and he is perfectly justified in that.
On top of that, Sean was scared that people would see my bruises and suspect him of beating me. A few of my bruises were from him, but only from where he had to hold me tightly to keep me from hurting him or myself. He never hit me. I did a pretty good job of disguising the bruises, and the ones we couldn't hide always had convincing stories to explain them away.
After the kids were born, things got better because we had actually worked out most of our problems by that time and I was also more cautious about letting myself get to my boiling point in front of the kids. When we would argue about something, I would feel myself starting to red line and I would try to walk away. Sean, still fearing that he can't protect me from myself if I leave the house, would block the door and keep me there against my will. I understand his thinking in that situation, but it didn't help me. It only made it worse. After arguing with him to let me leave for a breather, I would finally be boiling and then the fists would start flying. I had learned by that time not to hurt myself anymore, so I turned to destroying the house. I have broken doors, shattered mirrors, smashed vases and thrown frying pans. Once when we were fighting in the car, I screamed and flailed like a child having a tantrum and kicked the windshield repeatedly until I broke it, then for some reason I blacked out. The thing I regret the most is pointing Sean's loaded gun at him to convince him to let me leave. I knew it was on safety, and my kids were with my parents for the day, but that is besides the point. Had the gun gone off, I would never be able to live with myself. Just the fact that I was willing to go that far makes it hard enough to live with myself.
My children have witnessed two of these episodes. That is two times too many in my opinion because I terrified them. Luckily children forgive and forget easily. I just pray I haven't caused any subconscious trauma for them.
It has been a long time (years) since I have erupted like that. Sean and I rarely fight now. And when we do, we raise our voices sometimes and get attitudes, but we keep things in check. We don't let it get out of hand, mainly because I used meditation techniques to rewire my brain completely and I just don't get angry about the stuff I used to. My brain chemicals were severely messed up and I was able to gradually correct them through a self hypnosis process.
I still have complaints here and there about Sean, but just the fact that he loved me enough to stay with me through that hell, tells me he is amazing. No one knows me like he does. He has seen me at my best and at my absolute worst and yet he never gave up on me.
Looking my life over, I can honestly say these are my only regrets. But I try not to focus on the past. It's in the past. What's done is done and I have done what was necessary to make things right and better. If you know me personally, I bet you would never think that I was capable of so much rage and destruction, but I was, and I still am. I know there is still a part of me that is waiting to boil over, so I make sure I never allow myself to get to that point. I control my thoughts which keeps my emotions under wraps. I have since been able to forgive myself, mainly because Sean forgave me.
So if you have struggled with similar situations, I urge you to keep trying. Don't give up and just accept your flaws as your fate. You are not destined to struggle and make such failures forever. There is no destiny out of your control. YOU decide your destiny. YOU decide who you want to be. Work hard and believe in yourself. Do whatever it takes to be better. And forgive yourself. If you don't, you will forever live in misery for your past mistakes. Anyone can turn any bad situation into a good one just like I did.
And as a message to everyone, consider that you may not know what others have been through or are currently going through. As bad as the human heart can be, we all need to be shown some grace and understanding. Everyone needs someone to believe in them for that extra push into being the person they want to be.
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