I was on the fast track to figuring out what was real since what was left of my faith in almost everything I had believed and lived by my whole life had pretty much been obliterated. I was doing so much digging and studying and researching at that time that I couldn’t really tell you what order I learned the information in exactly. It’s somewhat of a blur because the transition from Christian to… well… I guess nothing, really… was so quick. You would think it would take a long time to undo 20 years of extreme church indoctrination, but we’re only talking about a matter of two years before my whole conscience had broken free from my past beliefs. There was just way too much information and evidence for me to ignore or even question anymore, so once I was at the point where I knew I could never go back, I started trying to build a new foundation to live on. I wanted to know what the point of life was. I sat down and asked God, whatever God was, “What now?”
Part of me was very fearful, and yet somehow I knew everything was going to be ok. My faith in God never faltered. In fact, when everything else was ripped out from under me, it forced me to draw closer to God, but in a totally different way than I was used to. I used to think drawing close to God meant reading and studying my Bible, bowing my head and speaking a formal prayer, being involved at church, witnessing to people, being an example of Jesus in my daily life… in other words, PERFORMING THE ACTS. Once I had none of that left, all I had were my thoughts and prayers. I didn’t even know exactly who or what God was anymore. I just knew I didn’t believe the creator of the universe was the God that most of the Bible portrays.
For some reason I found myself speaking audibly into the air saying, “I don’t know what you are, but I know you can hear me, and I know that you have a reason for all this.” I spent a lot of time just sitting and thinking in almost a prayer state of mind, keeping my heart open to anything that God might want to reveal to me. It felt very much like what I used to do as a kid when I would stare catatonic at the wall in deep thought. At times I would get a random idea that would lead me to go research something, and that would bring me to the knowledge of something new. At other times I would just feel this overwhelming feeling inside my gut that would lead me to believe something. Either way, I was being drawn in a certain direction without any outside influence at all.
I was first introduced to this idea of the law of attraction (although they don’t exactly call it that in the film) in a documentary film called What The Bleep Do We Know? My mother heard about it and bought it, then suggested I watch it. She said it would give me some things to think about, and boy, did it! I was so intrigued by quantum physics and this theory of being able to directly affect your physical surroundings that I continued to dig… and dig… and dig. I was on the computer every day searching for any information I could find on quantum physics. I watched tons of YouTube videos and lectures from scientists and physicists, and stumbled upon (by no accident) a video about the makers of the film The Secret. A couple of weeks later, in conversation about what I’ve been learning, a friend brought up that she had this film called The Secret. My ears immediately perked up. She said someone gave it to her and she had never watched it, but that I could borrow it if I wanted because she thought it had something to do with what I was talking about. I jumped at the opportunity.
After I watched it, I felt like someone dropped a huge bag of DUH on me. It immediately made a ton of sense. I spent the next few days and nights sitting in contemplation about all of it. I started recalling things from my past and realizing that it was true. Everything about my life was what I had willed to happen to me merely by believing it. The house I was living in, the car I was driving, the man I had married, the jobs I had up to that point, the shape of my relationships, etc. were all exactly how I had continually been imagining them to be. Even when things would get bad or really tough for our life, it would always turn out fine, and usually better, in the end. Then I recalled the one thing I never doubted as a Christian… I never doubted that God would take care of me. I always believed with every ounce of me that no matter how bad something looked, that God would bless me in the end, and sure enough, that’s exactly how it always turned out. Things that had the appearance of something crappy ALWAYS turned out to be stepping stones to something way better for me, and gradually I learned how to ride those waves of misfortune instead of letting them knock me down.
So then began the researching on the law of attraction and how much evidence there was to support it. I found bookoos of common people who believed this and their testimonies to how it has played out in their lives. At that point I was so excited and curious that I just started clicking away at any relevant links I saw.
This is where the website for the life accelerator course comes into the story. (You thought I would never get to the point, didn’t you?) Well, I clicked on the link for the website and just started reading. It didn’t seem at first to be that closely related to the law of attraction. It just seemed to be explaining how to rewire your brain through meditation techniques to be more successful and happy. It spoke of overcoming mental obstacles, and that stood out to me for personal reasons.
You see, during this time, I was going through a severe mental battle for a couple of different reason that you should probably know to get the full point of the story.
First of all, I was trying to get past some mental hang-ups I had in regard to my husband and sex. When we got married, I had something that is called an septate hymen, and in my case, it prevented us from having intercourse. My OBGyn said that my case was pretty uncommon, but she thought that with practice and a little pain, it would eventually be ripped and we could go about our way.
Well after six months of still not being able to consummate the marriage, we decided for me to have the surgery to remove my hymen completely. I was grateful for that, but there was still a huge problem… during the six month time that we were trying to have intercourse, I was constantly forced to endure excruciating pain. Every time we would have sex, I would end up in tears. It got to the point where it felt like being raped over and over and over again. Try to imagine feeling like you’re being raped repeatedly by the man you’re in love with and saved yourself for. Yea, it screwed me up in the head real good. We would fight about it all the time because he would want to have sex, and I got to the point where I didn’t want to even try because I knew how it would end. I didn’t want to feel the pain.
Eventually my mind was so messed up that my body wouldn’t even respond to him anymore. Even when I was feeling horny (which was often), as soon as he would start touching me… NOTHING. My body would completely shut down, dry up, and turn OFF. It was obviously a subconscious thing going on.
As if that wasn’t enough, during this time, we were having typical marital problems that we fought about constantly. And every woman knows that when you have been hurt or offended by your guy, the last thing you want is to get hot and heavy with him. Being turned off between your ears = being turned off between the legs.
So even though the physical problem was solved with surgery, that did not fix the mental problems that resulted from the physical problem, not to mention the fact that we continued fighting about other serious issues. I constantly felt hurt about something, and usually when you’re hurt, you turn on that defense mechanism called anger. And, believe me, I was angry A LOT.
Now I don’t want anyone thinking we were never happy, because we absolutely had our wonderful, fun, happy moments. We were very much in love. That’s the ONLY reason we stayed together and fought through all the crap that we went through. Most people who endured the stuff we did would have thrown in the towel, but we hung in there because even though we were miserable half the time, we would have been in even more misery apart from each other.
I would like to add that about a month after my surgery our daughter was conceived by accident, so we didn’t even have time to develop any kind of normal sex life. And I’m also sure the extreme hormone changes I was experiencing didn’t help the situation we were already in.
We eventually worked through our marital problems in regard to my in-laws, our finances, and his just needing to grow up and be more responsible, but those mental hang-ups about sex were still hanging on. Things got better, for sure, but my body just wasn’t responding the way it was supposed to. I wasn’t turned off to sex; that wasn’t the problem. I still thought about sex all the time and got plenty horny by the thought of sex. The problem was my husband, Sean. It’s not like I wasn’t attracted to him. I mean, he’s my husband and I’m in love with him. I even thought he was hot. But as soon as he started touching me sexually, my body would just naturally tense up and turn off. It was an involuntary reaction caused by the subconscious trauma that occurred from six months of brutality to my vagina... from HIM! I tried all kinds of lotions and erotic creams and nothing worked because the problem wasn’t my body; it was my MIND. And my mind was in serious turmoil, not just from the sexual issues, but from my anger management problems as well.
If you know anything about the way the brain functions, you will understand how your brain can literally become addicted to an emotion. It’s what we call a chemical imbalance. If you don’t know exactly how it works, this clip will help explain:
I was desperate to fix the problem. WE were desperate to fix the problem. Poor Sean was so sexually frustrated and terrified of my outbursts of rage, and I didn’t blame him. I tried every way I knew how to change myself, but I just couldn’t consciously overcome.
We were at our wits end when I discovered the life acceleration course, so it was extremely appealing to me. I joined the website and started receiving emails with information about the course. I learned that it was going to cost me around $1200 for a ticket to take a weekend course, and the only place I could attend the lecture was a good five hour drive from my home. That just wouldn’t do for a full time mother of a toddler and a new born baby, so I decided that I was just going to settle for the information that I was continuing to get in my emails.
In one of the emails I received a meditation exercise that was supposedly going to help me gain control over my mind. I downloaded the audio file one evening and immediately listened to it. I followed the instructions but fell asleep before the end of the exercise. I continued to go through the exercise, and it wasn’t until the fourth time I did it that I was able to stay awake for the duration of the recording. After that, I got better and better at it. I started meditating 2 to 3 times a day, and it helped calm me immensely. The phrases used during the exercise began to really sink in and I found that I was much more laid back and less prone to anger. I was so impressed by how much it was helping me that I decided to purchase the home audio course for half the price of the weekend course. I began it immediately when I received it in the mail. I learned that the whole course is based on the law of attraction. The point of the meditation exercises is to manifest what you want more quickly because you are literally tapping into direct source energy. Sounds new age, I know, but there really is something to this.
When you meditate, you literally change your vibration. Your brain waves slow down and your mind becomes more receptive and impressionable. When you are at your center of relaxation and your brain waves have slowed, it’s like being hypnotized except you are conscious of what is happening. You can suggest anything to yourself and when you come out of meditation your subconscious mind will retain that information as a “belief.” The more you suggest these things to yourself in meditation, the more you will believe them.
So for me, I needed to believe I was happy and peaceful. I needed to believe that my husband’s touch turned me on. I needed to stop being addicted to rage and victimization. I learned in the life accelerator program that during the times when I wasn't meditating, the best way to consciously help myself was to do those thigns that made me the happiest, and when I started feeling myself getting angry about something, to literally intercept the negative emotions with positive ones. I was supposed to stop whatever I was doing, and go do something that would make me happy again. For example, if I was having a disagreement with Sean about something and I started getting pissed off, I was to shut up, excuse myself from the conversation, and go pull up one of my favorite funny YouTube videos that was sure to make me crack up laughing. Or if I was doing something that was frustrating me and I was losing my cool, I was to stop, walk away from whatever it was and go put on a song that was sure to take me back to a pleasant memory. This was not always easy and sometimes I failed at it. It took major will power to just do it when it was necessary, but it got easier and easier with time. I am still working on myself in this manner every day but it has been about two years since I had an outburst of rage or felt depressed. Never were any drugs necessary for my imbalance. It was fully corrected through meditation and will power alone.
As far as the sexual obstacle, I overcame that as well without the use of drugs. I was able to completely break my mind’s hang-ups by intercepting those negative memories and emotions of feeling pain and discomfort with, uh… fun and sexy emotions, I guess you could say. I will leave it at that for now. The details of that are for a whole new story that will come at a later time.
My life is so different now. Better. WAY better. Not just because meditation has helped me achieve my dreams and manifest the physical things I want in my life through the law of attraction (because it has), but more importantly meditation has helped me achieve something even greater that money can’t buy, and that’s happiness, peace of mind, and an amazing relationship and sex life with my husband.
So, I don’t care what kind of emotional shape you are in. It can be turned around without drugs. You may not be able to fix it consciously, but it CAN be fixed subconsciously through meditation. You just have to learn how to do it and exert the will power to see it through. If you want change badly enough, you will have it, but you must realize that YOU are in control of your life. No one can do it for you.
Here is the link to the life accelerator course that I mentioned: http://www.silvamethod.com
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