Sometimes you have to make your own road to get where you want to go.
"A man should look for what is, and not what he thinks there should be." - Albert Einstein
"Don't let schooling interfere with your education." - Mark Twain
"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe anything simply because it is found in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it." - Buddha
"A single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." - Henry David Thoreau

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The God Complex

          I wanted to share part of a discussion I had with a Christian man that I know personally over the topic of being loving versus being right. I feel like there is a lot that was addressed that other people like him need to hear, so I am sharing. It was followed after a public online political debate in which the last thing I had said to him was that everything isn't always black or white; that much of life is gray and the choices are between what is good, better and best, and what is BEST is to care about love more than being right. He did not feel there was any place for caring about people's feelings when it came to speaking his 'truth.' What is posted below is what followed that debate.

  
 His response:     
       Love and rightness is a different debate. I could look forward to that one. Some stands you must take despite "feelings." How do you think those in Sodom and Gamorrah felt? I don't care because what they felt was contrary to the truth and statutes of God's. Stephen being stoned made no apologies to the Jews before being stoned, and Peter and Paul certainly didn't. The strength of Love is Christ, without being entwined in this world's view of right, wrong, fairness, and above all "feelings." And despite your argument it is always about right and wrong. If my very good friend who is homosexual is offended by my belief that homosexuality is wrong, do I apologize for how that makes them feel? No. There is no gray area. There is right and wrong. Plain and simple. God will not judge us in gray areas. Just right and wrong.

My response:
       There ARE gray areas. Example: Lying. Sometimes it's the right thing to do, but sometimes it's wrong. The only way to know when it's ok to lie is by seeking God on the particular subject in question. If I were to hold the belief that lying is always sinful, no exceptions, then it would have been sinful for Germans to hide Jews in their houses during WWII. Plenty of lies have been told for the sake of preserving human life. If someone asks me what I think of their outfit, and I don't particularly like it, but they clearly love it, then I'm not going to be honest with them about that. Just ask yourself a couple of questions: do they really want an honest answer or just a confirmation of what they already believe about the outfit? Would it benefit them to tell them the truth? If you already know THEY love it, then why should it matter what you or anyone else thinks? Keep them ignorant of your opinion, and don't strip them of their happiness! Lying= gray area.
       Example: Sex before marriage. What is marriage to God? Is it a piece of paper? Is it a commitments? Or is it both? If a couple commits themselves to each other, and hasn't yet gotten to their wedding day, or chooses to not get legally married for financial or political purposes, are they sinning if they have sex? And if they do get married legally was it ok for them to have sex if they got divorced five years later for not being able to get along because they were no more committed to each other than a man in the moon? If they got divorced for a stupid reason like not being able to get along, then obviously no commitment was made, in which case were they ever really married by God's standards to begin with?  These are questions that only God knows the answer to because only God knows their hearts. They are not for man to judge. They are grey areas. Not black and white. I personally believe that if you are committed to each other and God knows that, then it would not be sinning to have sex even if you are not legally married. And as far as people having sex who aren't in a committed relationship, well that's just not my business, nor yours. They answer to God only, not you. Sex outside of legal marriage= gray area.
       Example: Divorce. Now I feel confident when I say that most reasons for divorce are stupid. If you get divorced less than 5 years into your marriage for any reasons, you are just a quitter. At least give it more time. Marriage is hard work and it takes sacrifice, compromise and struggles. Even if your spouse cheats on you, if you really love them, you can forgive them and work through that. I've seen it happen. But ya know, there are just some instances where divorce is actually the best solution. If a woman made a mistake by marrying a man that abuses her or her kids, I would EXPECT her to wise up and divorce that son of a bitch. I would never believe that it is sinful for a woman to divorce her abuser. On the contrary, divorcing him would instead be her way of correcting her mistake of marrying him in the first place. There are many people who are hasty to jump into marriage. Their standards are too low and they just marry a really bad person. Should we not think it to be ok with the God of the Universe for them to get back on the right path by denouncing their mistake and divorcing the person? A very close friend of mine found out his spouse had been laundering money from her boss and when law enforcement caught her, she had stolen over $25,000. She was also his business manager for his store that he owned, and unbeknown to him, she had been stealing from the family business as well instead of paying the bills. By the time he found out what was going on, the business tanked and she left him bankrupt. Grounds for a divorce? I think it's safe to say yes and he did just that. You can't be married to a person who you can't even trust to not steal from your bank accounts. So though most divorces are unnecessary, are they all wrong? I don't feel they all are. It's different for different situations and only God knows. You don't know everything a person has been through or endured in their personal marriage, therefore you cannot make the judgement whether they are justified in getting a divorce or not. Only God knows their hearts and can judge that. Divorce= gray area.
       Example: I have a friend that her 12 year old daughter who is slow was raped by her uncle. Terrible story, I know. She got pregnant. They knew within a few weeks of conception because the girl told her older sister the day it happened and they monitored her period. They immediately confirmed that it was true with an exam. My friend was devastated. Her little girl had just hit puberty not even a year prior to the event. She was at a loss for what to do but new she needed to think fast. Had it been her, she would have kept the baby, but that was her daughter, a 12 year old little petite thing that couldn't even fully function at a normal level. She was ridiculed enough as it was and my friend knew that her daughter could not  physically handle a pregnancy and delivery. She considered adoption because there was no way they could keep the baby, but a family friend who is a social worker told her that the chances of someone adopting a baby that would probably be handicapped as a product of incest was slim to none. She was told that the baby would almost certainly go into the foster care system instead of adoption, where the majority of foster kids are either abused or neglected. This hit home for her because she spent half of her own childhood being passed through foster homes and abused by one of her foster moms. She would never want that for any child. Still, she really weighed her options. So after much praying and crying, she decided that since her daughter was only about a month along in the pregnancy, it was the best choice to have an abortion. They went through with it with no problems and the little girl is now 15, living a normal life, and didn't have to miss her childhood or deal with the burdens of pregnancy that possibly could have killed her. She doesn't have any memory of having an abortion because she was unaware of what exactly was going on, nor did she even understand what an abortion was. My friends daughter went through therapy for a year and she seems to be doing great. Now do I believe having the abortion in this special case was sinful? No I do not. I think they really did make a tough decision that was the right one for the best interest of that little girl AND for the baby that could have been. God knew their hearts and I really do believe they were seeking God on the matter and He gave them peace about their decision. But unless you actually are in my friends shoes or anywhere close to the situation, its very easy to judge and say "Black and white, black and white! Abortion is a sin, period!" which a lot of people at their church who found out did. They had to leave the church as a result of the drama that was started, and because of the judgement and condemnation my friend got from so many people in the church, it turned her off to church altogether and they no longer go. Her life actually became a lot more peaceful when they stopped going. The majority of abortions I'm sure are for no other reason that not wanting to deal with the consequences of poor choices, in which case it is probably wrong, but still none of yours or my business. But we can't deny the fact that there are some instances, as few as they may be, where terminating the pregnancy, whether using the morning after pill or abortion, is the best choice. The only way to know? Seek God.  Again, it's a GRAY area.
       So I'm sorry, I have seen and experienced enough to know that there ARE a lot of gray areas in life. Situations that choices for some people might be sinful but for others in the right circumstances are not. And they have to listen to God to know what to do because it isn't about right or wrong, its about what's good, better, or best. Even the Apostle Paul said "All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial." Now I realize some things are very much black and white. Stealing, cheating on your spouse, bearing false witness against another, pre meditated murder, rape, hatred, pride, condemning others. All these are always wrong. There's no room for exceptions.
       And I'm not talking about the "worlds" view of right and wrong when I speak about all this. I'm talking about people realizing they need to stop acting like they are responsible for telling others how to live and whether they are sinning or not sinning or living for God or not living for God. People need to start living their own lives and let others be. Sure, if you see someone that is clearly hurting himself or someone else, then as a friend, it is good to step in and offer some encouragement to change in a kind and loving manner. If you just go shoot your mouth off with your truth with no regard to their feelings, you will automatically build a wall between you and the person. Your efforts will be in vain. Even if what you have to say is legit, people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. That's the truth. And many times you will do more harm than good trying to TELL a person how to live.
        I have found the best approach is to encourage them to be better. Lift them up and help them see their potential. Help them to believe that they CAN be better, then use your own life as an example of how they should live. If your own life isn't happy and rich in blessings, and you haven't developed trust and respect from people, then you aren't the person to do such things because your example is not a good one. No one wants to take advice about how to have a good happy life or how to develop character from someone they can't stand who has a life that appears to be less than desirable. If your life is joyful and abundant in blessings, and you are kind and wise and have proven yourself to be trustworthy, then trust me, they will follow your lead and want to know what you do that makes your life the way it is. They will ASK without you having push it on them. I experience this every single week with messages from people asking for my advice about parenting, marriage, health, etc. Some just wanting to say thank you for encouraging them and posting just the right things they need to hear. Some have even pleaded with me to help them understand what I do to be so happy so they can do the same. I will offer guidance if someone seeks it, but I don't force my views on people anymore. If there is a door to help, I will take it, but if I can tell it won't be accepted, I move on. I don't waste my breath and energy. I know God will teach them with or without me. I simply live a life of happiness and abundance, and everywhere I go I encourage as many people as I can in a positive non judgemental way, and believe it or not, people flock! They really do! Because positivity is contagious! People are in sinking ships and positivity is the life boat.
        Yes, they need to know the error of their ways, and some people need to have it given to them straight and to the point, but people will see the error of their ways when they compare your life to their own. They will recognize it when they see the differences between how you live and how they live; the attitudes you maintain and the attitudes they maintain. They will know what they need to change and they will take cues from you on how to change them. They WILL see because people are starving for happiness. They are starving for spirituality. They are starving for GOD, and they will listen and follow where there is a person who actually LIVES what they desire and long for. Not just speaks it and preaches it, but LIVES it and can show them the way of going about obtaining it.
       Something also to consider- you have to always test your own intentions before you ever try to 'help' someone. You gotta ask yourself why you want to interfere with what they are doing. Even if what they are doing is  blatantly wrong, if you are correcting them for any other reason that to love them and help them, you're in the wrong too. When you are more concerned about putting someone in their place than actually being affective, you're doing it for prideful, selfish purposes, and in that case you're a hypocrite. Remove the plank from your own eye before you try to remove the dirt from someone else's
       You might not, but I do care about peoples feelings. People will remember you for how you made them feel. I don't care how you interpret the Bible. Bible or no Bible, God speaks to my heart and I listen. I know the whisper and the wrenching in my gut and I am familiar with it. And I know in my soul how to treat people. People need love and hope, not Biblical doctrines shoved down their throat. I have helped numerous people (Christians and unbelievers both) turn their lives completely around and see positive results FAR more than I ever was able to with that Baptist Christian 'I-have-all-the-answers-turn-or-burn' mentality and approach. This is only because I realized my ignorance, pulled my head out of my ass and actually sought GOD, not a religion, on how to deal with individual people in each individual circumstance. We aren't identical robots that need an instruction manual... we are a diverse group of individual unique human beings with individual unique lives, circumstances and needs, and we should be treated as so.
       I could sit here and debate you for months on end about any topic you wish with the Bible as my source simply because I can interpret the Bible any way I like to fit what I need and want it to say. You can too. Pastors do it all the time. It's the reason why we have over 700 different religions/denominations based on the same book. But I won't do that because I don't give two hoots in hell about interpretations of words on a page that even the most knowledgeable of theologians and Biblical scholars can't agree on. I do however know what I feel in my heart. I know love. I know compassion. I know what it feels like to need grace and encouragement when I am fighting to figure my life out, and I know I want to give that to other people. I have met some that need less encouragement and more tough love. Their hearts are harder. They're too prideful. They need a spoonful of their own medicine and for someone to make them eat their words in order for them to learn the lesson. I can give that too if necessary, but it requires seeking God on when is the right time for that and who needs it. We each have different needs based on our experiences and personalities, and timing and presentation is crucial with those people. It takes a certain intuitiveness to be able to determine that, and I am wise enough to know that I may not be the person for the job. I will not jump in and stick my nose into someone else's character building process unless all the signs are right. If it IS my place, I will know with certainty, like I did with you, otherwise I mind my own business.
       You said, "If my very good friend who is homosexual is offended by my belief that homosexuality is wrong, do I apologize for how that makes them feel? No."
       If they are offended by your belief, no you shouldn't have to apologize, nor should he for being homosexual as long as you both keep your opinions to yourselves. It isn't your belief that you would have to apologize for anyway. It is how you PRESENT your belief that you might have to apologize for. If you meet a guy and he is gay, and after getting to know him you just offer up the info that you think homosexuality is sinful and perverted and he needs to check himself with God without him asking your opinion on the matter, then I would personally stomp on your foot. It might not be wrong for you to have an opinion or even present it, but it wasn't warranted and it certainly isn't what is BEST because you would obviously offend him. You have no idea what his relationship with God is like and how dare you even judge such a thing! Are you the Creator? Is his homosexuality affecting you personally? Do you know him well enough to be certain it is negatively affecting him or others? If the answers are no, then keep your mouth shut because it doesn't matter!  And if the topic comes up and you are asked to state your belief, then do so in a respectful manner. If they get offended then they get offended. If they didn't want to know then they shouldn't have asked. But even then, you can disagree with homosexuality and still be respectful to the person. Acting all homophobic and grossed out is going to hurt their feelings and would be wrong. If you can't help it and they just make you uncomfortable with their flamboyancy, hide your disgust and politely excuse yourself so as to not offend. Its a free country, so if you don't like something, no one is forcing you to be around it. Just leave. This is common courtesy. On the same note, if a gay man already knows that you are bothered by homosexuality and he chooses to enter your presence in an in-your-face manner that he knows will offend you, then he is just as much in the wrong. This isn't about whether homosexuality is right or wrong- that's a whole other debate that I wouldn't even waste my time on with you. The point is, it doesn't matter who you are, if you know something is offensive to someone, you don't go out of your way to do or say it. It's an ugly thing to do and certainly not 'Christlike.'
       I'm not going to debate you on what you should be ok with or not be okay with. That's between you and God. Your personal convictions about what is sinful and what isn't is your business and it makes no difference to my life. The point of the discussion is that when debating such topics with others (if its wise to even debate them at every opportunity, which I don't believe it is), should we just present our side as straight and too the point as possible? Or should we be sensitive to others feelings and personal beliefs? Well, I believe it depends on the debate and who you're debating with. If you're in an actual debate class, then obviously fire away with no regard to feelings! But the real world isn't a debate class. Its situational, which makes this also a gray topic. Its not black and white.
       I think that's the whole point. If everything in life were black and white there would be no exceptions, and guess what that would mean? ...No need to seek God.  Your belief that everything is black and white with no exceptions eliminates the need for an interactive God because we would already know that these things over here are always right for everyone, and these things over here are always wrong for everyone. But that's not life. The point is growth, and the only way to grow is to have a need to seek God. And people need to start doing that and allow others the freedom to start doing it and stop trying to dictate everyone elses life. If everyone just cleaned up their own garbage, stopped worrying so much about what everyone else is doing and just loved each other, the world would be a much more peaceful place.




Any questions?



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